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Don’t lose sight of who we are. We are Americans. We fought and died for our freedom. We have been the powerful and relentless underdog. We have protected our families and neighbors and the ideas we believed in most. We took pride in creating a system where voices of the people could be heard. 

This is not our first growing pain. We have faced darkness before. We have seen brother against brother. We have seen injustice. Blood has seeped into these soils. But we have prevailed. We have dusted ourselves off, rebuilt, and rediscovered what it means to be an American. 

Take pride in who we are. We are the melting pot. We can’t take pride in diversity, yet in the same breath condone those who don’t think like us. It’s a dangerous place when we begin to dehumanize our neighbor and feel justified in their demise. 

We are in danger. We must wake up. Politicians, news media, social media, big tech, have us at their mercy as sleeping men. They plant the seeds and we do the leg work. Think about the information you’re working off of. What information do you think others are working off of? If you were being fed the same information diet, would your actions be so different? 

The human race is capable of both the horrific and the glorious. None of us are immune to the temptations of evil or its disguise as righteousness. But before you allow the dark veil of hate to be the lens through which you observe the world, be critical. Are you and I that different? Given different circumstances, could we find ourselves in roles reversed? What could make that happen? Our minds are malleable. It takes great time, effort, and restraint to think for ourselves. It takes even more to love your neighbor at their least lovable moments. 

But we must. Hate will not deliver us from evil. Even carefully directed hate. Even righteous hate. Is still hate.

It deeply saddens me to see the behaviors of grown adults I had the greatest respect for struggle in finding a place of understanding for their fellow man. I watch them add to the frenzy, spread and promote evil, all the while feeling justified and proud as others in the darkness extend a hand to pat them on the back. What they can’t see is that hand is ugly. That hand is quick to judge, quick to react, and quick to allow them to fall without remorse, when they’ve inevitably fulfilled the duty that hand had laid upon them. 

Only love can break the chains we have been binding. Rather than jump to judge, work to understand. It is only from a place of an open heart that we have the opportunity to save ourselves. America needs saving. Be the one to throw the life preserver, rather than rejoice in the loss of opposition as your perceived enemy drowns, for only moments prior, you yourself were losing footing. 

God help us.

Stay safe. Stay sane. Don’t lose sight of who we are.

2020 Reflections

In our home, it often felt like an emotional and mental triage, forcing us to pause and return to center before all else. I experienced loneliness and questioned the value of living. I wondered my purpose and the purpose of it all. What is the point to this messy, chaotic, existence?

Many relationships were put to the test this past year; however, never have I known the truest value of a good friend. I’ve learned who is there. Who extends their hand despite the darkness. These relationships deepened, while others moved and changed course with the slightest breeze.

I had to come to terms that not all questions have answers. Reason and logic only go so far and the worship of science is still a form of worship, flawed with human intervention and manipulation, just as religion has been under great scrutiny for containing. There’s a vulnerability in faith that must be accepted. Never have I experienced such a range of humanity, nor reflected so deeply.

My husband and I faced new and creative challenges we could not have predicted, but grew in faith and tenderness together. From the raw emotion and unfiltered conversations emerged the reciprocated understanding, that we had found our soul mates. We were destined to face this life as one. Separate, we were off tilt, but together, we could restore balance and prosper.

Our children couldn’t be protected from the heartache this year brought, but it provided the environment for love, grace, trust, and forgiveness to be practiced and front of mind. We cared and nurtured one another as we fell and experienced failure, only to find we weren’t truly alone and would always belong.

We have not answered the meaning of life, but have become more comfortable with the unknown. As society crumbled, we reflected on our priorities, values, and conduct. This year has exerted strain on many. Resilience came front and center.

Though I explored a dark part of myself, I gained such a greater understanding of suffering. I saw the dangers of distraction, ego, and pride. I understood how both dangerous and miraculous the human mind can be. I gained a compassion, an empathy, it’s arguable if I could have attained without such adversity. I accepted my brokenness. I found a clarity; a more even playing ground for my brothers and sisters around the globe. I saw the vulnerabilities of our species…of myself.

I learned to hold on and I learned to let go. It became emphasized that every choice has a trade-off. You can’t truly have it all. We can’t go through life with a one-size-fits-all mentality. Though we are more alike than different, this does not mean these differences should be overlooked. What’s best for one is not a given to be best for another.

We are all learning and capable of both marvelous and horrendous acts. Society determines which is which. We are a part of that society and this should encourage a place of thinkers, reflectors, questioners, and drivers.

I would hope that 2021 brings a new light and hope for a brighter tomorrow, but that the lessons of 2020 are not lost. I’m looking forward to an enlightenment that we can achieve a unity without sacrificing diversity of ideas. Everyone does not need to agree, but must be open to productive discourse. We must listen and acknowledge the true experiences of fellow men, women, and children. We must be ready to admit that we are flawed. There are things we don’t know. We have been wrong before and we will be wrong again, despite our best efforts and intentions. We should foster a culture of humility.

At an individual level, we should measure our growth by comparing ourselves to who we were yesterday. Let’s ask ourselves…What do we value? How can we positively contribute? What quiet, but honorable role can we play in this life? Are we proud of our words, actions, and thoughts? Why? What steps can we take to improve? Who’s life can we touch and how? What tomorrow can we work towards achieving today?

Welcome 2021. Here’s to a reflected past, growth, and new beginnings.

Stay safe. Stay sane. Reflect, grow, and begin again.

I’m coming out of a dark few weeks. We can’t pretend that isolation does not come at a cost. I’ve known that if I had COVID, given my risk, I would likely recover with or without lasting effects. What I didn’t know, is that the isolation would prove more fatal to my well being. I had been struggling for months, as many of us are, but I was becoming weary. I was feeling alone, unhappy, and was losing sight of why I should continue to endure such suffering. My faith was wavering. As I felt the sense of purpose slip from my grasp, it set in, I was depressed.

This realization bothered me. Wasn’t I strong enough to ward off such terrible thoughts? Was I ungrateful for all life had provided? Was it really that hard? Couldn’t I just listen to my favorite song and snap out of it? Shouldn’t a smile on my child’s face melt away the darkness? The truth is, that’s not how it works. I’m not immune to the repeated stress and loneliness this past year has brought. None of us are. Under enough pressure, our minds become fragile. I had become fragile.

So, what’s more dangerous for you? COVID or the effects on your mental health? Perhaps you don’t know yet. Perhaps you are still entertained by distractions. Perhaps you have struck a magic balance (if you have, well done). Perhaps you are rockin’ it with these Stay-at-Home orders. Perhaps you are in an active battle with depression. Wherever you are, it’s important to feel it, recognize it, and reflect on it. If you are in the latter group, communicate it. Where do you think others are at?

I see it so often, people assuming the worst of intentions about others. Judgement is passed and hostility put forth. I see the frustration in people as they feel a loss of control over their lives and feel the need to inflict this upon others. This is maladaptive. Is this really what’s best for humanity? Is it really what’s best for you? Is it really what’s best for your family, neighbors, and strangers alike? Can the government or you decide what’s truly best for everyone?

According to the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention, 132 Americans took their own lives daily this past year and over 1.4 million Americans attempted such an act.

The National Institute of Mental Health shared data indicating that suicide was the second leading cause of death for individuals aged 10-34 and the fourth leading cause of death for individuals aged 35-54. This is important to consider when looking at COVID data from the Centers for Disease Control (CDC) that shows those aged 5-17 representing 0.1% of COVID deaths, 18-29 year olds being 0.5% of COVID deaths, 30-39 year olds as 1.2% of COVID deaths, 40-49 year olds being 2.9%, and 50-64 year olds coming in at 14.6%. The 65+ age group accounts for nearly 81% of deaths.

The Centers for Disease Control have also noted an acceleration in overdose deaths since May of 2020. Over 81,000 drug overdose deaths have occurred since then. This is an all time high. The highest ever recorded.

My point is, depending on the individual, our risks will look quite different. For me, I’m at a greater danger of dying at my own hands than to that of the Corona Virus. Nobody wants to see suffering. But we can’t see this situation as a one-size-fits-all. You may feel your government is taking precautions to keep you safe from the virus, but this may, in another sense, be putting yourself or others at an even greater risk.

I have respect for anyone choosing to shield themselves from the threat of COVID19. We are in the midst of a pandemic. Many lives have been lost and will be lost. Besides death, a loss of health is also at play. If you decide that isolation is optimal for your well being, by all means, do it! We have been taking great precautions ourselves.

BUT the virus is not all we are risking. It is not all that’s threatening our existence. And I’ve now realized the virus was a danger to me from the peripheral. I believed I was keeping myself “safe,” but my life had never been in more danger.

Understand, that we face different risks. We are different people, with different needs. If you see someone making the choice to break the “rules,” they may actually be saving themselves. I ask you to “love thy neighbor as thy self.” If your neighbor is weighing the risks to their health differently, have some compassion. Release that hostility. If we’re all in this together, then we’re in it for all of us, and some of us are being put at great risk behind our own closed doors.

I should disclose that I’ve been blessed with people that were ready to catch me when I fell. My brain has been feeling more like my own and the veil of darkness is beginning to let the light back in. I will be okay.

I’m sure many will have their own opinions on this and I wrestled with writing it, but I felt compelled to take the leap. And if you happen to share any of my struggles, I hope to tell you that you’re not alone.

Do what’s best for you with respect to others, especially this holiday season.

Stay safe. Stay sane. Do what’s best for you.

If you are in crisis, call the toll-free National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255), available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. The service is available to anyone. All calls are confidential. http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org