Many of us are in the midst of finding a ‘new normal.’ Being in quarantine means our life has been brought to an abrupt halt. For some of us, the change experienced is far more drastic than others, but regardless of this, we are all feeling the need to adapt to our changing environment. I’ve been thinking about this and the life many of us once lived only weeks ago and honestly, there are parts of that life I do not miss.
It’s because other parts of me and my, more appropriately, our life, were filled with activities we prioritized, but at an opportunity cost. I knew that by being a part of activities in town, two hours alone (at a minimum) would be simply the commute to the city, then the activity would take place for X amount of time, and we’d likely have to stop for gas or to nurse the baby. Before even factoring in the activity, I had to mentally prepare myself for the undertaking. This I do not miss.
In weighing the cost of this time, I had decided the opportunity cost was worth the activity and I chose to spend my time budget there. We drove for activities into town twice a week. Then I’d try to also get any errands done as well. Those were long days. However, leading up to our quarantine, those two days into town had expanded to sometimes three to four and on a bad week, five. I didn’t like this. I was trying to look at ways to cut back. Things kept popping up: dental visits, field trip, doctor visits, etc. I felt a tug of not wanting my child to ‘miss out’ vs. my desire ‘to keep it simple’ (and by simple I mean realistic for our well being).
There is a drop off eventually on the return of investment of driving into town. My children would be hungry, tired, unhappy by the time we were returning home and I, myself was drained. When we’d finally make it home, I’d vow to not fill the schedule that full again, but I would.
How quick we forget our misery. Since we’ve been quarantined I have not felt the stress of forcing myself and five small children to meet a deadline. Trying to get all of us out the door and take the drive time into account…was one of my least favorite things to do. I will tell you from experience, that no change in the volume of your voice makes little feet put on socks faster, or coats on, or winter gear grabbed, or boots in place. You must plan ahead to move in slow motion. This means that rather than an hour commute, you must tag a half hour in front of that to simply get all of the minions moving if you don’t want to turn into the hulk and take an ax to the relationship with your children. And don’t forget that with all of this extra time in the car, you will need to plan ahead for snacks or a meal and potty breaks (a lack thereof may result in a soaked carseat; hopefully you packed extra pants).
I know this experience does not happen in isolation. Mothers everywhere, even ones who don’t live rural, feel this strain. They want their child to have all of the opportunities and will kill themselves to make it happen. That art class, dance class, Boy Scouts group, soccer practice, baseball game, swim lessons, piano lessons, nature program, robotics league, choir group, 4H… We think our children need this. We think these are the things that will keep them active, get them ahead, and help turn them into well rounded adults.
We do this at the sacrifice of family time. Our together time. Our building a relationship with our child time. We do this at the sacrifice of nutritious meals and meals at the table together. We do this at the sacrifice of rest after a long day of work, or a moment of downtime if you’re home with your children all of the time. We morph our schedule around these things. In some cases, we teach our children inadvertently that these things are more important than sleep as the classes go late, competitions go long, or we must get up early to arrive on time. An overfilled schedule bleeds into other aspects of life as well. You are more irritable. You don’t have time for your spouse. You don’t have time for you. You feel resentment brewing. You don’t exercise.
This is not to say that all activities and extracurriculars are the villain. They can be a part of a healthy life for us all when in balance. They can help us build connections with our communities, teach new skills, and help our children develop their own sense of self.
But this is not the only way to get the job done. And when the scales are tipped, as I often see, nobody wins. This is because of that opportunity cost. What would you be doing as a family or with your children if you weren’t living a gas burning, activity seeking lifestyle? What would you have had for dinner if you weren’t rushing off to that baseball practice?
Life has given us the opportunity to find out. Don’t take this time for granted. It is a gift, that you would not have accepted yourself, had the circumstances not been thrust upon you. This could be a unified ‘aha’ moment for parents and families everywhere about how we spend our time. Where are our priorities? What do our children and ourselves really need? Does the life we had before truly serve us?
Pause and reflect.
What have you been able to do with your time and with your child now that those obligations have been removed? Are you taking advantage of this gift you have been given? Money comes and goes, but time is finite. Your child will never be this age again. You can’t get this moment back. How are you going to spend it? Be deliberate. For every choice we make of how we spend our time, it comes at a cost. What have you been giving up to spend your time budget elsewhere prior to now?
Stay home. Stay safe. Accept the gift of time.